Meet My Friend, Anxiety
Anxiety, you bitch.
So I have this friend. She’s that kind of friend I really don’t like AT ALL, but I’ve known her so long I just have to put up with her. Her name is Anxiety, but I like to call her Ani. Ani is that friend that I’ve known since high school and even though she drives me up the fucking wall, I can’t seem to get rid of her. She always hits me up at the most inopportune moments - like on my way to work or at a party where there are more than 5 people - and refuses to take “no” for an answer. She always manages to show up.
I can’t remember exactly when we first met, honestly. I mean, I had seen her around for a while before I really go to know her my junior year of high school. Then, we were suddenly always together. “Attached at the hip”, as they say.
She was there the night my first boyfriend dumped me a week after giving me my first kiss...aka 2 weeks into our love filled relationship...to get back together with his ex. Ani called him terrible names as I sobbed and wondered why I was the one person in the world who was unlovable. She was there, rubbing my back, when I started obsessing over every word I’d spoken to that popular girl that made me nervous . She was there the night I felt like my brain was on fire, my skin was crawling, and I couldn’t stop crying and thinking about every time I had ever failed. She was there the night I decided I was willing to starve myself if it meant I could have a “perfect body” and be loved.
She’s been there through it all. But the worst part is that she was also there for lots of the good stuff. Like the day I got my tattoo apprenticeship - something I had been working towards for years. She was there as I happy cried at my best friend’s wedding. She was there on days when I needed to do laundry, get groceries, AND the house was filthy...but all I really wanted to do was go outside and be in nature.
Gyah! She just shows up without even texting like a total ingrate. And somehow, at the age of 29, she is still here.
*So it’s been my dream for many many years to move to Boulder, Colorado and as of a month ago, that dream finally became a reality. We’re here! We’re freakin’ living in Boulder! I can walk around the corner of our little townhouse and see mountains that look like they tower over the rest of the world like majestic giants. I can walk another 3 minutes to a trail that continuously makes my eyes well up with joy. I have a partner that I’m so in love with I could barf heart emojis all over the floor. I have 3 amazing pets who I adore(most of the time). I have friends that love and support me like I just found the golden ticket and they’re invited. And yet...Ani just couldn’t keep her ratchet ass away.
That bitch came knocking only a few weeks into our new life in Boulder. She showed up with her duffle bag of to-do lists, photos of all the places I haven’t been or seen yet, and plenty of evidence of all the goals I haven’t yet reached. She likes the goals to be in order of how unrealistic they are for me to attain...how kind. She sauntered her happy ass right in, plopped down on the couch, and made herself at home.
Now, since Ani and I have been “friends” for so many years, I wasn’t surprised to see her...but goddammit I couldn’t help but get royally pissed. This is my happy place, I thought. She’s not supposed to be able to come here! I’ve taken the necessary steps to keep her away, dammit! I HAVE MOUNTAINS IN MY BACKYARD!! I’m glaring at her with my jaw clenched as she unpacks her bags, throwing things all over the place simply because she knows clutter makes my skin crawl.
I run to the cabinet in the kitchen and check my little-old-lady-style daily pill holder to see if I’ve missed one. Nope, the ones that need to be gone are gone. She taps me on the shoulder and as I whip around to face her she says, “Ooo congrats on being anxious even though you’re on medication! Way to go, girl!” I push past her as she continues by saying, “You know you really look like you’ve put on some weig...”
I sprint up the stairs and grab my headphones. I throw the sliding door open to our teeny tiny balcony, so I can sit down in the sun for some meditation. Meditation always helps, I think. Meditation makes me feel inspired and energized. This’ll be perfect. I start my Insight Timer app and get my favorite whimsical meditation music going at full blast. I close my eyes, lean back with a sigh of relief, and start picturing a beautiful lake in....my eyes snap open as I remember that I need to clean the litter box. I turn and Ani is standing there with a sideways smile, holding the poop-scoop.
This was my reality just a few days ago. I could feel anxiety crawling up my spine and cursed towards the heavens with a, “YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.” I have finally moved to my dream town and I am surrounded by soul igniting-ly beautiful nature. This is the shit that I live for. Nature and love. I have both! So why the fuck am I anxious??
The worst part is that when I get anxiety in these sort of situations, the guilt that coincides is mind boggling. I have been on medication for depression for almost a year now. My doc told me that it can also help with anxiety, so I was hardcore sold. So when my skin starts to crawl, my shoulders gets that tension that comes with stress, and the to-do lists start piling up in my brain, I actually start to get mad. Mad because I feel like I’ve done what I could to keep anxiety away. Mad because my surroundings and my life feel so so good. Mad because I feel guilt for not being able to appreciate what I have and feel the gratitude that my life deserves. Mad because medication isn’t a fix-all.
After a restless night of sleep, I actually woke up feeling better. The wave had passed and it was like my eyes were suddenly clear. I sat there drinking my morning coffee and coming to terms with the fact that I can’t always control what’s going on in my brain. Sometimes it’s completely out of my hands...and I have to be ok with that.
When I next see Ani, instead of scowling and dreaming of punching her in the face, I need to accept her for who she is and hold on til the wave and her visit have passed.
Love Y’all.