You some kinda hippy er somethin?

About 2 years ago my best friend in the whole world, Becca, told me she had started meditating as a way to relieve stress and deal with anxiety. Becca and I are super-awesome-kick-ass best friends for many many reasons, but mainly because we have a shit load in common. Including: 

-We both love Harry Potter, feminism, and Parks and Rec (to name a few things we both love. There's like a billion more.)

-We pretty much think we're the funniest people ever

-We both love talking-especially about Harry Potter, feminism, and Parks and Rec

-We love sugar way too much (she leans towards candy, I lean towards cookies)

-Oh…and we both deal with anxiety on a regular basis. Fun!

So when Becca mentioned meditation I thought, what the hell…it's worth a shot. I trust her and her opinions, so I was willing to try it. I had never tried meditating before, so I downloaded an app she suggested and decided to use the timer thingy in an attempt to meditate for 20 minutes. I sat down on my bed, started the timer, closed my eyes…and lasted about 3 and a half minutes before giving up. I couldn't stop thinking about all the other shit I could be getting done instead of sitting on my bed, in silence, doing nothing. I'm a bit of an antsy person, so sitting still in general isn't always easy. I tried again a couple weeks later. Failed. I tried maybe 1 or 2 more times. Failed. Then, I just gave up completely. Maybe meditation wasn't my thing?

Now fast forward a little bit. While on a trip to Colorado last August, I came across a little book store in downtown Boulder. I had some time to kill while my friends were busy at a coaching conference (I was there for Boulder 70.3-they were there to get all smart and coachy and stuff) and the first book I came across was this obnoxiously yellow book titled You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, by Jen Sincero. I dug the title, naturally, because anything with with the word "ass" on it is gonna catch my eye, and I liked this whole "awesome life" aspect. Crazy thing is, I almost put the book back like 4 or 5 times while walking around the store. I kept thinking, I'm really happy right now. Totally content. My amazing boyfriend and I had just bought our first house not long before this trip, I was in the works on leaving a job I wasn't feeling great in, and I was in FREAKING BOULDER, COLORADO- a place I'm obsessed with and think is amazing. Things were good! Why would I need a self help book? 

Something in the back of my noggin' told me I needed to give it a go, though. I'm the type of person where things may be just fine and dandy, but they can always be better…ya know? So why not?  

Now if you know me in non-internet-life (also known as real life), you've probably heard me talk about this book. I LOVE THIS BOOK. Y'all, I drank the You Are a Badass koolaid. Actually no, I chugged the koolaid, keg standed the koolaid, shotgunned the koolaid, took a bath in the damn koolaid. I dove in head first and was totally game to see what could happen if I gave it a chance. I read this book and it woke up a part of me that really needed to stop napping all the damn time. The part that yearned for a connection to something deeper. Now, I know this is gonna sound all hippy-dippy, but just hear me out. 

This book came into my life when a lot of change was on the horizon, my anxiety and depression were all over the place, and I was struggling with keeping my mind and body in check. This is all during one of my least successful/ least fun triathlon seasons to date. More on that later. In You Are a Badass, meditation and mindfulness are discussed often and seen as high priorities on the badass to-do list. Now, around the exact same time that I was chugging the YAABA koolaid, my amazing Coach and friend, Carrie, hit me up to see if I would be interested in introducing mindfulness and meditation into my weekly training. Coincidence? Hmmmmm. So with Becca's recommendation, my You Are a Badass addiction, and my coach encouraging mindfulness, I felt like the good ol' universe really wanted me to give this thing another go. So...I listened. 

I redownloaded the meditation app that I had deleted months before and decided to dive in. I think this go-around with meditation has been far more "successful" for me because I was ready for it. I wasn't going into it with any expectation of an instant anxiety cure-all. I also stopped listening to the little voice in the back of my head saying, "this is some hippy ass nonsense." I didn't care if anyone thought it was "nonsense". I refuse to try lots of things out of fear of what people may think of me, but this time I chose not to care. After a rather short amount of time, I was already noticing a difference in how I handled certain feelings: jealousy, fear, comparison, doubt, etc. I was able to sit back and analyze these feelings to see why they were happening and whether or not they were worth my time. I made the decision, very early on, that I was willing to work on my meditation practice. Just like I work on becoming a stronger triathlete every day.

Let me get one thing straight…meditation may not be easy for you at first. It wasn't and still isn't always easy for me. Folks always say, "it's called a meditation practice for a reason."  So don't get down on yourself when your brain won't shut the hell up even after the first few tries. You got this. On days I make the time to spend even just 5 minutes with my body completely still and my mind somewhere other than my never ending to-do list, I really do notice a difference. Sometimes 5 minutes is all it takes. 

Now, how does this apply to triathlon, Cori? That's what we're here for. Get to the point.

Alright. Alright. Hold your kittens.

My 2017 triathlon season was not awesome. I put a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on myself to be a certain kind of athlete with certain kinds of goals and let's just say…things didn't go as planned. My times were alright. My training was ok. But my brain was just soooooo meh all the time. I had some good races, I really did, but as a whole I was really disappointed with my season. I let the pressure I, and only I, put on myself to reach big crazy goals get in my head and take the fun out of triathlon- something I love so so much. I lost the fire that makes us all love racing and training. I was constantly disappointed with my races and I was constantly comparing myself to other athletes. I set big goals and reached pretty much none of them and now I know why.

This is where meditation and mindfulness come in like Ruth Bader Ginsburg on a glorious stallion like a tiny Wonder Woman (but way cooler and with bigger glasses). Aka-they save the day. I spent a lot of time over the last few months reflecting on my 2017 season and my 2017 as a whole. I really wanted to understand why things had gone so poorly.

My season sucked because I made it suck. Me. Well...my brain did, at least. I was in tip top shape. Ready to PR all over everything and crush my goals, but I had this nasty little voice in the back of my head that I was trying SO HARD to ignore. It was constantly chipping away at my confidence and self esteem while whispering things like, "You're kidding me, Cori. You really think you're that kind of athlete? Get over yourself. You're never going to be on that level. You're not worthy of that podium. Step aside and let the real badasses through." Writing this is actually a little hard to do because it's still so raw and so real. It's so similar to the eating disorder voice, from my past, telling me I wasn't worthy of love. That I deserved to feel like shit and have my hair fall out and hate myself. Looking back…they're the same voice…just a different context. 

(If you don't already know, I struggled with an eating disorder for years before finding triathlon and turning my life around. More on that in a later post.) 

Since I've started practicing *mindfulness (see definition below if you need it) and meditating on a regular basis, I've been able to turn that voice into one of love and encouragement. I'm not saying I'm dancing on rainbows all day everyday and never get upset or bummed out, but the percentage leans towards positive and I'm considering that a major "win." I use mantras like: "I am powerful. I am strong. I am worthy of love and acceptance," to send positive energy into my sometimes very negative brain. Repeating these things really helps me to believe in them, which translates into my everyday life. Seriously. Repetition works. Just like the track workout you do every thursday makes you a faster runner, telling yourself regularly that you kick all the ass and are hot af makes you a happier human. 

"Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment, which can be developed through the practice of meditation and other training." -the definition according to google

Your thoughts become your reality. If you're constantly telling yourself you suck and you're never going to do anything right and your butt looks like a potato that's been beaten with an ugly stick…well then your brain/ the good ol' universe is going to agree with you and set those things into motion. (Though your lovely butt is most likely glorious-constantly saying negative things about your body will absolutely impact the image you see reflected in the mirror. Shit talking yourself doesn't make you look humble. It makes you look like a huge bummer.) Positive mantras make positive change. I'm not kidding. 

I showed up to Texas 70.3 a few weeks ago with one mantra repeating in my head as I smiled as often as possible- "HAVE. FUN." No one is forcing us to race triathlons, do cross fit, kick box, or whatever it is that you do. We GET to do these things. We do them because we LOVE them and that's one thing I lost sight of last year and I'm vowing, right now, to never lose again. My positive mindset and trust in myself is why I had the most fun I've ever had during a half ironman at Texas. My heart was full and my mind was in la-la-land happy town, so my body followed. I got a 6 minute run PR at that race, y'all! That's huge! And I thank my body AND my mind for that crazy PR. 

**If you've actually made it allllll the way through this post (bravo!) , do me a favor. Take a moment. Right now. Close your eyes for just a second and focus really hard on one thing you absolutely love about yourself. I don't care if it's your boobs, your sense of humor, or your toenails. Just take 1 minute to think about how awesome that part of you is. Only think about that.

Feels good, right? 

Now do that with something based in your training-if you're an athlete. It could be: how you are able to zone out and enjoy a nice long swim without missing a beat, your super fast run splits from yesterday, how you can ride your bike for hours and hours and never complain, or how you love triathlon and racing and how awesome it makes you feel to be a triathlete/crossfit-er/kickbox-er/zumba-er. Think about that. Feel it in your gut and be oh so very grateful for it. 

Feels good, right?

Now I'm not going to teach you how to meditate because I'm no expert and definitely still figuring things out for myself, but I will say…TRY IT. If you do try it, try it with an open mind and an open heart. Download apps - Insight Timer and Headspace are cool. Read some books- You Are a Badass (duh) and Fit Soul Fit Body (pretty hippy shmippy to the 10th degree, but I still dig it). If you feel like you're missing something in your training, but it's not your fitness…it's worth a shot, right? 

This is the first of many discussions about mindfulness and meditation that I hope to post here. I'm stoked to share my journey with y'all and see where these posi vibes take me. Love y'all to pieces!!! Comment with any questions if ya want! (no mean comments. don't be a dick because I won't respond so don't waste your time.)

GOOD VIBES ONLY. 

Cheers! -CJ