Why I pulled "a Britney."
Let's go ahead and get the G.I. Jane's and the Britney Spears' 2007 meltdown references out of the way and just get to the "why" behind me shaving what was left of my short little pixie and diving head first into buzz cut glory. I have a feeling this is what every human who identifies as female (and prefers feeling feminine) and shaves their head has said, but I'm just gonna lay it on y'all one more time.
*My hair does not make me feminine. *My hair does not make me a woman. *My hair does not control how I feel about myself. And I'll be damned if I don't feel fly as fuck and more confident in my "womanhood" than I do right now with a shaved noggin'. Lookin' like I'm about to flip a van with just a glare and a bloody nose (if you don't get that Stranger Things reference…we're done here.)
I've been wanting to shave my head for a couple of years now, actually. I've watched women pass by with their gloriously hairless heads and thought, "Daaaaaamn, I want in on that level of boss-babelyness!" I have stared with envy at their perfectly buzzed skulls and felt their aura of lady power and confidence. I've also sat and wondered…can I do that? Can I get away with that? Do I have that kind of confidence? Will I get mistaken for a boy? Will I still feel pretty? Will my more muscular build (Hello, triathlon training! #noregrets #ilovemuscles) come off as "manly" with a shaved head? Will my amazing boyfriend who has never shown any sign of giving one single fart about what I do with my appearance because he's awesome and loves me because I'm ME suddenly be disgusted by me and run screaming for the hills??!! (These are the kinds of things that really go on in my head…welcome to my hell.)
A couple of weeks ago, however, as I was walking up to the glass door that is the entrance to my job, I saw my reflection and suddenly thought, "I'm ready to shave my head. For real." It was like a bolt of buzz cut lightning. I checked my phone to see when my next hair appointment was and sure enough it was 1 week away. I made myself text my stylist immediately so I wouldn't have a chance to back out. The. Time. Had. Come. The doubts were getting shoved in the corner and told to shut up. Destiny with the clippers was calling and I was finally listening.
My hair has been consistently bleached to hell and back every six weeks for the last 3 years. Mix that with a lethal dose of regular trips to the chlorine hell that is a city pool and you get some majorly damaged hair. Bless it's heart. I was over the fry and just never really liking how it looked. I was over feeling like I needed that extra three inches of hair on the top of my head to make sure I looked "like a girl". I was over doubting my confidence in myself. I was ready to shed that shit like a boxer entering the ring, dropping their robe, ready to fight.
The last few days leading up to my appointment consisted of a few minor freak outs, but I just kept reminding my self that:
It's just hair. That shit grows back. I'm covered in permanent art… so this is nothing.
Deep down I knew I was going to love it.
I'd regret it if I never gave it a shot.
I showed up to the appointment with my best friend, Becca, in tow in case I freaked out post buzz. I sat down in the chair...and was so ready. I was nervous, but I was excited. Bye bye hair! Hello ultimate test in self love (for me).
Just so you know, I'm passing the test. I feel amazing. I feel more confident than I've ever felt. For real. I feel so beautiful and unique. I feel like a mother fucking super hero. Where's 11? Can we hang out and save the world together and shit? It's also inspired me to try other new looks- from different make up to different styles of clothes I normally wouldn't go for. I'm going through a whole little metamorphosis and it's so much fun!
***The main point of this blog entry is this:
What even is "feminine" now-a-days? It's 2018 and gender identity is so fluid and just a total adventure for our whole society. I love that so so much and am so excited for those who are non binary or trans or any kind of anybody they want to be, because the world sees them and they are being recognized as them! I may identify as female, but I don't feel like I have to be "feminine" anymore. I'm just Me being Me. Sometimes Me involves wearing make up, loving glitter, dresses, eyeliner, lipgloss, and high heels. Sometimes Me involves sweating profusely, riding a bike over a mountain, being covered in dirt, wearing workout clothes and a hat. I'm learning to feel comfortable in both forms.
Both are ME.
Be confident in who you are. Love yourself unconditionally. Through hair or no hair. It will make you invincible.
Love y'all.