The f*ck is “deservedness”?

My parents,  your average middle income American couple- a teacher and a contractor, decided that as my high school graduation present they would buy me my very first car. I had been driving my Mom's car since getting my license at 16, but was moving up to the big ol' city of Atlanta shortly after graduation/my 18th birthday. So getting my own car had become a necessity. I was lucky enough to have parents who were willing and able to buy my first car (thankfully, since my 3 whole months of working at Chick-fil-A before quitting and burning my uniform in the driveway shhhhhh and random weekends of working little jobs here and there hadn't exactly led to a nest egg). I was given a reasonable price range and was gratefully stoked to start looking (as grateful as any douchey teenager can be…aka probably completely indifferent and a total dick about it all…I’m conveniently foggy on those details).

The discussion of cars began with my folks and I landed on the hopeful desire of procuring myself a Honda Civic- a practical and reliable little thang. I wanted a 2001 Civic Si to be exact. The little sporty hatchback kind that they actually stopped making after 2001, because me being me…I didn't want just a regular ol' Civic. I needed something a little different. Something with a lil' pizazz. (I still have a thing for hatchbacks, by the way.) My mom had almost always driven Honda's so it was familiar and I genuinely thought it was a really cute little car. It was just the right amount of old, weird, and cute. It kind of resembled an egg...

Our epic vehicle search began as my Mom and I scoured Craigslist ads and used car lots. We spent many a weekend meandering around crusty old cars with brightly colored prices painted across their windows or driving to random people's houses off Craigslist to check out their unwanted automobiles. I've always been very detail oriented and very particular about things when I get a mental image in my noggin’ so, needless to say, we looked at a whole lot of cars. However, one day my mom surprised me by taking me to see a much newer, but still used, Civic that was in great condition at a Honda dealership near our house. It was a couple years old and had some miles on it, but the thing seemed practically new. 

See, my mom had the idea that a newer car may be a bit more expensive, but would be more reliable and have better safety ratings blah blah blah for her baby girl headed to live alone in big ol' trafficy ass Atlanta. I took one look at the car and knew I didn't want it. It was way too nice for me. Sure, it was a cute little car…but there was no way I was going to be caught driving that perfectly nice, very clean, almost new car. No fucking way.

The thing is, I totally liked that car. I thought it was awesome. I loved that the seats were nicer and the radio was newer and it even had a sun roof and didn't even smell like mildew…but there was no way my 18 year old ass was going to get that car. It felt too nice…too good for me.

I denied myself that car because I truly believed I didn't deserve it and I also believed my parents shouldn't spend extra money on me, because I didn't deserve that either. I refused. I didn't want it even though my Mom insisted I get the newer car. I also didn't want it to look like my family was wealthy, because we weren't. I grew up in a perfectly modest, loving, and comfortable home with perfectly modest, loving, and comfortable lives. We never wanted for anything, but extravagance wasn't really a thing. This car felt extravagant af. More like a Corvette than a Civic.

***Mom, I know you're reading this and will ask 8,000 questions so…Mom, I loved my childhood! Dad, I loved my childhood! I'm just writing about my experiences!! Calm down!***

The "rich" girls at my high school drove that kind of car, not me. We weren't rich. We weren't poor either, but like I said, extravagance wasn’t a thing. I didn't want that car because that car was too good for me…which in hindsight made me feel like I was too good for it. My perfectly noble, middle class life would not be disturbed by something so new, clean, and wildly extravagant. Instead, I found my much older, much cheaper little hatchback on Craigslist, where it had been living in a garage for a couple of years. That was my car. That was the car I believed I deserved. 

To this day, I struggle with the idea of what I *want* versus what I believe I *deserve*. I think one key to making big changes in your life is completely diving head first into the belief that you *deserve* anything and everything you *want*. I still catch myself turning down something I feel is "too nice" because I subconsciously still believe I don't deserve it or that it would make me look like a snob (aka a person I previously would have judged for their "extravagance"). I could name probably a hundred other instances where I turned down an opportunity or walked away from something great, because I felt I hadn't put the time in, or cut my teeth enough, or wasn't cool enough or deserving enough. That I didn’t deserve it, whatever “it” may be. But in particular, something I’ve struggled with most in the idea of deservedness is…dun dun duuunnnn…the big oh no no….MONEY.

One thing I've learned over the last couple of years as I've delved deeper and deeper into the world of self helpery, self improvement, and mindfulness is that I have one mega fucked up relationship with money and the idea that I don't deserve wealth…or that wanting wealth makes me a total butthole.

Now, the idea of deservedness isn't just about money, but for me it's one thing I always go back to. Trying to fix my relationship with money has been a huge struggle for me, honestly. Trying to unlearn all these notions that "money isn't everything" (yeah, duh, but it'd be cool to not have my brain consumed with stress about money all the time, though…so at the moment…it kind of is everything) "money can't buy happiness" (once again, duh, but it sure as hell could make life a bit easier) "money doesn't grow on trees" (holy shit, I know, but earning it is so satisfying and gives me freedom and options and adventure, dag nabbit!). I mean look at damn near every villain in movies or books. They're almost always the richest person in the story while the hero is the humble, lower class savior! The Malfoy's, The Lannister’s, Lex Luther, Regina George, - you name it! We're constantly having the idea that "rich people equals bad people" shoved in our faces.

This post isn’t just about moolah, though. It’s focussed on the idea of deservedness, which for me is often based in my struggle with the idea that I don't deserve money and the fact that being wealthy wouldn't suddenly turn me into some bald maniac in a mansion plotting Superman's demise. Ps- if all this money talk is making you cringe and think that I'm some money obsessed nut job…it's ok. I used to do that too. You'll hate it when I delve deeper into money relationships. Mmmhhhmmm…yes you will.

But even if what you truly desire is to get fit and healthy, or to find the love of your life, or to get a promotion…you have to fully believe you deserve to find those things or attain that goal before it will come to you. For real. Believing that you deserve whatever you want sends a message out to the big ol' universe that says, "I'm ready to do some big awesome shit, because I know I can and because I know my life is worthy of it." 

It feels weird, right? To even imagine repeating in your head that you deserve happiness, wealth, and love? It almost feels selfish, right?

Well, shut the fuck up and put yourself first for once. We all have to get past this idea that self sacrifice is the only path to fulfillment. That being rich means taking money directly away from the hands of good people. That finding love means stealing that love from someone more deserving. That being fit and healthy means sacrificing the rest of your entire social life. That you have to have one or the other. That you can't have it all and then some. 

There's a reason why flight attendants tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first in case of an emergency. Because putting yourself first, in that situation, is the first step to helping others. It can be applied in life too.

Don't stay in a shitty relationship that you're not completely stoked about because it might hurt the other person. You're hurting them more by being in a half assed relationship where you daydream about making out with your coworker behind the water cooler. You're stuck in the cycle of believing you deserve a shitty relationship.

Don't stay at a job you hate because it might put your boss out. Miserably blobbing your way through each workday, then bitching about how much you hate it when you get home is sooo much worse…for literally everyone around you! You're stuck in the toilet bowl whirlpool of believing you deserve a job you hate.

Wouldn't it be way cooler if we were all less stressed about money, surrounded by people we love, doing what we love, and filled with gratitude all the time? Don't you think that would make the world a better place? One step toward that reality is if more people start believing their life can be as awesome as their wildest dreams and that they are deserving of those dreams.

Believe in yourself. Believe that you are worthy of all the cool shit you want to do. Believe that you deserve that vacation to Bali- even though your coworker boasts about not going on vacation for the last 6 years because they’re oh so dedicated. * fucking eye rolllll * Believe that the love of your life is out there looking for you too and is hella stoked to strip you nekky and get weird - even though all your friends bitch about how awful the dating scene is and that human that pinched their ass at the bar the other night is fine, they guess. * Fuck all that noise. *

You deserve adventure. You deserve amazing love. You deserve a chalet in the Alps with a robot butler and a jacuzzi filled with champagne if that's your thing! 

BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE IT ALLLLLLLLLLLL, BABY!! That's the first step to getting it!

Love y'all so much.